Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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