I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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