how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
