Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
