I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
