My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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