just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
