help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
sarcasm needs its own font
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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