It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
