Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
