eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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