AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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