Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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