I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
