Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
