umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
