So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
