Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
