Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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