Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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