I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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