Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
