And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
