WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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