I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
