Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
