Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
