Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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