Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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