I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
