this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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