I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Randomize
