also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
