: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I am available for nakedness
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
