OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
