Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
