There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
