May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
