sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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