Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
