Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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