if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
