There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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