i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
