i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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