buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
