Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
