the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
