She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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