i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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